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Old May 28, 2010, 06:51   #1
Dean P
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FALaholic #: 494
Join Date: Jul 2000
Location: Texas
Posts: 7,086
You are getting old

You know your'e getting old when

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Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
The gleam in your eye is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
You feel like the morning after and you haven't been anywhere.
Your little black book contains names only ending in M.D.
Your children begin to look middle age.
You finally reach the top of the ladder and find it's leaning against the wrong wall.
Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep.
A dripping faucet causes and uncontrollable bladder urge.
You look forward to a dull evening.
Your favorite part of the newspaper is "20 Years Ago Today."
You turn out the lights for economic reasons rather than romantic ones.
You sit in the rocking chair and can't get it going.
You knees buckle and your belt won't.
You regret all those mistakes you made resisting temptations.
You're 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, and 96 around the golf course.
Your back goes out more than you do.
Your pacemaker makes the garage door open when you see a pretty girl.
The little old gray haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.
You know all the answers but nobody asks the questions
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Old May 28, 2010, 06:53   #2
Dean P
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Posts: 7,086
A Letter To Jessie James

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A Letter To Jessie James

You Stupid ! You cheated on Sandra Bullock?


Are you nuts!!! How can you be so stupid? You are married to one of the most beautiful women in the world. She has a body to die for and her current wealth is shadowed only by Oprah.

Your wife, recently beat out Julia Roberts in the polls and is now named "America 's Sweetheart."

You also remember, she just won an Oscar and praised you up and down in front of the world while you were porkiní away.

You are really a piece of work! You are the most hated hole cheater on the planet! How can you live with yourself!

I only have one thing to say to the despicable, miserable, cheating piece of that you are:

Thanks for taking the heat off of me. Letís do lunch.
~Tiger
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Old May 28, 2010, 06:55   #3
Dean P
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Location: Texas
Posts: 7,086
Top Salesman

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A young farm boy from Nebraska moved to LA. and went to a huge 'everything under one roof department store' looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back in Nebraska." Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow .... I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid says, "One." The boss says, "Just one? Our salespeople average 20 to 30 customers a day.... how much was the sale for?" The kid says, "$101,237.65." The boss says, "$101,237.65! What the heck did you sell?" The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Ford Expedition." The boss said, "You mean to tell me that a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?" The farm boy said, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife and I said, "Dude, your weekend's shot .... you should go fishing
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Old May 28, 2010, 09:47   #4
bykerhd
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Dean P your "You know your'e getting old when" list hits WAY too close to home and darn near everything else.
Thanks for posting it.
I think.
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Old May 28, 2010, 12:13   #5
xtremerange
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Quote:
Originally posted by Dean P
Top Salesman

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A young farm boy from Nebraska moved to LA. and went to a huge 'everything under one roof department store' looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back in Nebraska." Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow .... I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid says, "One." The boss says, "Just one? Our salespeople average 20 to 30 customers a day.... how much was the sale for?" The kid says, "$101,237.65." The boss says, "$101,237.65! What the heck did you sell?" The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Ford Expedition." The boss said, "You mean to tell me that a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?" The farm boy said, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife and I said, "Dude, your weekend's shot .... you should go fishing
I might use that one with some of my salespeople. Thanks,
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Old May 29, 2010, 17:40   #6
1MOR
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Location: Somewhere South of the Border
Posts: 2,077
Re: You are getting old

Quote:
Originally posted by Dean P
You know your'e getting old when

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
The gleam in your eye is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
You feel like the morning after and you haven't been anywhere.
Your little black book contains names only ending in M.D.
Your children begin to look middle age.
You finally reach the top of the ladder and find it's leaning against the wrong wall.
Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep.
A dripping faucet causes and uncontrollable bladder urge.
You look forward to a dull evening.
Your favorite part of the newspaper is "20 Years Ago Today."
You turn out the lights for economic reasons rather than romantic ones.
You sit in the rocking chair and can't get it going.
You knees buckle and your belt won't.
You regret all those mistakes you made resisting temptations.
You're 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, and 96 around the golf course.
Your back goes out more than you do.
Your pacemaker makes the garage door open when you see a pretty girl.
The little old gray haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.
You know all the answers but nobody asks the questions
I refuse to read this!
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Old May 30, 2010, 00:35   #7
lady_jane_and_zombie
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you know you are getting old when you are sitting at home on a saturday night reading the fal files
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Old May 30, 2010, 01:46   #8
dirtyrice
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Hey now I aint old
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Old May 30, 2010, 06:17   #9
shlomo
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As long as I'm not too old to pretend to myself that I can still do all the shite I did 35 years ago, I'll be good to go.
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Old May 30, 2010, 06:47   #10
7.62srbest
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Location: Chesterfield, VA
Posts: 254
I realized about 3 years ago I had gotten old.

I was coming down I-77 between Parkersburg and Charleston, WV doing about 80 mph in my IROC Z28 ('86 with a 305 TPI and a 308 rear end with 700r4). I passed a Mustang GT convertible and a BMW 318. They began to follow me. After a bit we picked up a couple of SUVs and we went down the road trading places as we came up behind slower traffic.

After bit the big black BMW 540 went by hauling butt. My first thought was, "I wonder how fast he's going?" Then I realized my wife wasn't with me so the second thought was "Let's find out" and I pressed down on the pedal and started after the 540. The other folks followed as I accelerated. When we passed 90 mph the two SUVs dropped out and pulled back into the "slow" lane. When we passed 100 mph the Mustang GT and the 318 dropped out and pulled into the slow lane.

I caught up wit the 540 and we were cruising down I-77 at 115 to 120 mph. The IROC isn't even breathing hard between the 308 rear gears and the OD gear in the 700r4 (I wish I could remember the rpm but when it was over all I could remember was the speedometer for some reason). Anyway, we continued down the interstate for a few miles, or more, and suddenly that little voice in the back of my head speaks up and tells me, "You know, this really isn't much fun." That's when I knew I was getting old. I've been to 130 to 135 mph in a couple of cars of mine and if that voice spoke up I sure didn't hear it. Now at 115/120 mph I was getting nervous (and that IROC is rock steady at 120 mph, too).

Oh well, happens to everyone sooner or later.
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