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View Full Version : What is your favorite lawyer joke ?


tdb59
September 18, 2013, 20:34
What is the definition of complete chaos ?

The ABA on Father's Day.

12v71
September 18, 2013, 20:45
What is the definition of complete chaos ?

The ABA on Father's Day.
If Hoffa was a lawyer, No one would be looking?:D

12v71
September 18, 2013, 20:49
Wait... In the divorce, my favorite lawyer was a joke.:rofl:

Oregon-Jet
September 18, 2013, 20:51
What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?


After you die, a leech stops sucking your blood.

nwobhm
September 18, 2013, 20:53
This is one from years ago in the Real Estate business.


What's the difference between a lawyer, a real estate agent and a prostitute?


...Prostitutes earn their money...

tdb59
September 18, 2013, 20:54
A very notorious attorney was crossing South Locust Street with severe heartburn from his home made alphabet soup, mumbled " oh god thi...", was hit by a large bus, died, and was bound for Heaven.

Before departing toward the Pearly Gates, this counselor heard a rumor that attorneys could still take their briefcases with them.

This particular dumbass loaded his briefcase with gold bullion purloined from a racist nation, and was on his way.



When met by Saint Peter, the lawyer was so proud of the wealth he had absconded with, that he was showing off.



A Gunnery Sergeant noticed this, and asked......

































Why did you bring more pavement ?

Beryl
September 18, 2013, 21:00
What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?



One is a scum-sucking bottom feeder. The other one is a fish.

shlomo
September 18, 2013, 21:12
take it to DB

NEWFNL1A1
September 18, 2013, 21:29
Why won't a shark bite a lawyer?

Professional courtesy.

SWOHFAL
September 18, 2013, 21:34
Why won't a shark bite a lawyer?

Professional courtesy.

I thought it was the bad taste they leave behind?

12v71
September 18, 2013, 21:35
Debating a lawyer is like wrestling a pig in mud, after a while you realize the pig is enjoying it?:D

GOVT1911
September 19, 2013, 01:12
Guy walks into a bar and yells "all lawyers are assholes!" A guy Dow the bar says "hey, that offends me!" First guy says "why, you a lawyer?" Guy responds "No, I'm an asshole"

martin35
September 19, 2013, 06:09
When a bus full of lawyers goes over a cliff with 3 empty seats it's a waste of space and a crime against humanity.

bouncer50
September 19, 2013, 06:16
Two tiger come walking out of the jungle. One tiger started licking the other one ass. The tiger said what the hell are your doing:eek: The other one said i ate a lawyer last night i trying to get the bad taste out of my mouth.:biggrin:

bouncer50
September 19, 2013, 06:19
Do you know how cooper wire was invented. Two lawyer fighting over a penny.:rofl:

bouncer50
September 19, 2013, 06:34
A pope and a lawyer died on the same day. They both went up to heaven and God meet them at the pearly gate. So God pointed down from heaven to show them where they going to live. The pope house was a simple one just modest. Well the lawyer house was a big 14 room million dollar home. The pope said what going on that lawyer got a such a nice home. God said this is the FIRST time a lawyer made it to heaven.:eek:

Falcon
September 19, 2013, 07:29
A lawyer went duck hunting in rural Arkansas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I'm one of the best trial attorneys in Arkansas and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in these parts of Arkansas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Arkansas Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What's that?"

The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff and the lawyer's last meal came gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old coot. Now it's my turn."


The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

Texgunner
September 19, 2013, 08:57
Do you know how cooper wire was invented. Two lawyer fighting over a penny.:rofl:

Where I live, they say it was two Bohemians (Czech folks) fighting over that penny, lol. Lawyers, that's a nice touch too.:biggrin:

DABTL
September 19, 2013, 09:02
Where I live, they say it was two Bohemians (Czech folks) fighting over that penny, lol. Lawyers, that's a nice touch too.:biggrin:

Now, you have done it. We will now have to explain why east Texas is 'Bohunk' or the German or Polish towns exist after 165 years.

TheRussian
September 19, 2013, 09:11
take it to DB

tac-40
September 19, 2013, 09:26
What is the difference between a dead lawyer in the road and a dead skunk in the road?




Skid marks in front of the skunk.

STGThndr
September 19, 2013, 10:08
OK, I was given to understand that it was two Scotchmen fighting over the penny. And that the Grand Canyon was formed when an Ulsterman dropped a dime down a badger-hole. Ah the mythologies of youth....

Texgunner
September 19, 2013, 10:24
My daughter married a Mexican-American young man. A great guy that I love like a true son. My son married a young woman of German/Czech descent, a great new daughter for my wife and I. My son likes to joke that both he and his sister have biracial marriages. :rofl:

mike minihan
September 19, 2013, 13:12
An engineer died and met saint Peter at the gates of Heaven. Peter checked
his records and told the engineer"You have been very bad,I am sending you to
Hell. The engineer got in the elevator and went waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay down,got
off the elevator and was met by the chief demon. He was put to work shoveling pitch and was there a few days or maybe it was a few eons,time being warped in Hell,who can say how long?
At any rate he walked about the endless halls and chambers from time to time. He noticed that the temperature near the thousand foot ceiling was a
hell of a lot hotter than it was at floor level.Being a competent engineer,he
knew that with a considerable differential temperature that it was feasible to
air condition the joint.
He continued roaming about from time to time and found pipe,finned tubing,
electric motors and other items he needed. He eventually put a work crew together and gathered his supplies. After another eon or three,he had the place at 70'f.

At this point the level of shrieking,wailing,and gnashing of teeth subdued
somewhat. Our engineer had spent many happy hours in his lifetime ice
skating. He considered that he had excess chiller capacity,and put his work crew together again and the built a huge skating rink.

When the rink was finished,the volume of the suffering souls diminished again. Our hero being a busy sort next tackled the problem of the brackish hot water that they had to drink. Of course he and the crew put together a
filtration plant and piped the water through the chiller,cool,clear water now
flowed from all of Hells water fountains.

In fact,the damned were now actually smiling occasionally,carrying on pleasant conversations while skating and generally doing much better.

God called Peter on the phone about this time and asked,"Peter what ever
happened to that young engineer who came here a while back?"
Peter responded that the man had been very bad and had been sent to Hell.
God said,"Peter you should know that the engineers are mine,you call Satan
and tell him to send my engineer back."

Peter phones Satan and gives him the word. Satan replied"Oh no you don't,why that engineer is brilliant,he's gotten the place air conditioned,built us an ice skating rink,and even cleaned up the drinking water,I am keeping him."
Peter said,"I have to take this up with God. I'll get back to you."

Peter reported the gist of the conversation to God,and God told Peter,"You get Satan on the phone and I will speak to him."
So God tells Satan that he demands his engineer be returned. Satan refuses again,God then thunders,"You send back my engineer or I will sue you in the court of Heaven."
Satan sneers and responds,"Oh yeah,and where do YOU expect to find an attorney?"

best regards,
Mike Minihan

medicmike
September 19, 2013, 13:38
Guy walks into a bar and yells "all lawyers are assholes!" A guy Dow the bar says "hey, that offends me!" First guy says "why, you a lawyer?" Guy responds "No, I'm an asshole"

This has been my all time favorite :D

Nick H.
September 19, 2013, 15:41
What happens when an attorney takes viagra?




He gets taller.

Topbanana
September 19, 2013, 16:10
lol. ZING!:fal:

Brett
September 19, 2013, 16:36
A lawyer ran by my house chased by a shit-eating dog.

garyd1961
September 19, 2013, 22:19
A lawyer ran by my house chased by a shit-eating dog.

A dog ran by my house chased by a ......

genmeagher
September 19, 2013, 22:53
I went from an 03 in the USMC to an atty.

However, my dad told me at 18 that I only truly owned two things...my name and my reputation.

I managed to hold on to both.

Now...a Lawyer joke!

A saintly and godly mechanical engineer dies and due to a mix-up, ends up in hell instead of heaven. Satan puts this engineer to good use, having him install air conditioning and other amenities in Hell.

When God found out about the mix-up, he demanded that Satan release the man, to which Satan refused.

God replied, if you don't give him back I'll sue you!!!

To which Satan replied with a chuckle:

Good ******* luck finding a lawyer up there!


Ba-dum-dum!