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Old January 02, 2018, 17:10   #1
308/223shooter
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My father passed.

Found out my father passed Friday night. Allmost made it to his 81st birthday, but his heart gave out first. Haven't seen or spoken to him in probably 12 or more years. Having a tough time deciding if I'll go to the funeral. I've been the family outcast for decades, so wouldn't hurt me if I skipped it.
Any advice or insight from those who've been in my place?
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Old January 02, 2018, 17:13   #2
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Very sorry to hear that. You will not regret "going" later as could easily happen with "not going", IMHO.
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Old January 02, 2018, 17:29   #3
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What Invictus said its to late after its all done if it should bother you , you can't take it back.

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Old January 02, 2018, 17:29   #4
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Go to the funeral. Give everyone a firm handshake or hug as appropriate. Hold no grudges. Speak no ills. You will never regret it.
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Old January 02, 2018, 17:39   #5
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Very sorry to hear that. You will not regret "going" later as could easily happen with "not going", IMHO.
Agreed.
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Old January 02, 2018, 17:40   #6
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Sory to hear. My condolence to you and your family. What others said. Pay your last respect so you don't look back years from now say "I should have ..."
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Old January 02, 2018, 17:41   #7
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+1 on the above responses.
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Old January 02, 2018, 17:42   #8
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Go to the funeral. Give everyone a firm handshake or hug as appropriate. Hold no grudges. Speak no ills. You will never regret it.
This^^^^

Sometimes it takes a loss like this for families to come back together...
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Old January 02, 2018, 17:46   #9
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Wisdom lives in this thread.

Best to you whatever you may decide.
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Old January 02, 2018, 17:54   #10
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Yep, go ahead. I hate to say that it doesn't bother me if I see my siblings ever again after the way they acted when my mother died.
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Old January 02, 2018, 17:56   #11
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So very sorry. May his memory be eternal. If your presence will be disruptive, ask the family member who is in charge of making arrangements if you may have some private time with your dad before the visitation or funeral. The funeral home has seen these situations before and will be understanding. ~ss
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Old January 02, 2018, 18:00   #12
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Go to the funeral. Give everyone a firm handshake or hug as appropriate. Hold no grudges. Speak no ills. You will never regret it.
Easy to say, harder to do. But as has been said, you will never get another chance to begin the healing process. You need to do it now.
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Old January 02, 2018, 18:01   #13
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Sorry to hear so much bad has come your way, doing a good thing now may help. My condolences for the loss of your father.
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Old January 02, 2018, 18:19   #14
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Condolences. Pack.
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Old January 02, 2018, 18:38   #15
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My condolences
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Old January 02, 2018, 19:08   #16
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My condolences, Rich.






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Old January 02, 2018, 19:13   #17
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So sorry to hear this, Sir.

Speak only well of the deceased and leave early to avoid any confrontations but do attend.

Karma is real.

Best wishes.
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Old January 02, 2018, 19:20   #18
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My condolences, pal. I haven't been in your shoes, so this opinion isn't very weighty. Meanwhile, I think you should go. You can pay your respects without having to apologize for your actions, and without giving the "okay" to the way you were treated in the past.

I think you should shake hands, give hugs, and be the bigger person. Which may mean keeping your mouth shut under very difficult circumstances.

Best wishes, man.
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Old January 02, 2018, 19:21   #19
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Go to the funeral. Give everyone a firm handshake or hug as appropriate. Hold no grudges. Speak no ills. You will never regret it.
Good advice.

Quote:
Originally Posted by slavicshooter View Post
So very sorry. May his memory be eternal. If your presence will be disruptive, ask the family member who is in charge of making arrangements if you may have some private time with your dad before the visitation or funeral. The funeral home has seen these situations before and will be understanding. ~ss
Also good advice.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I don't know. I'd say go. I had a big problem with my mother. I won't go into here but it affected the way I thought about her at the time she passed. That was eight years ago and now I'm seeing some things in a different light. I think you'll be glad that you went eventually.
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Old January 02, 2018, 19:22   #20
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Sorry for your loss......You know whats best in your world but i think the above is some pretty solid advise.
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Old January 02, 2018, 19:40   #21
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Go to the funeral. Give everyone a firm handshake or hug as appropriate. Hold no grudges. Speak no ills. You will never regret it.
This = excellent advice.

Whatever the past issues, it can't hurt to rise above them, even if only this once. At worst, if problems arise, simply smile and make a tactful exit.
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Old January 02, 2018, 20:33   #22
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Lots of great advice here. I'll add another go to the funeral voice. You will never have a second chance.
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Old January 02, 2018, 20:34   #23
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You will never have a second chance.
The hard truth.
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Old January 02, 2018, 20:37   #24
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I'm sorry for your loss. I don't know the circumstances of your estrangement from the family, and that's pretty important in this decision. While I agree with the others about not being able to fix the "I should have gone" once it's over, I also know that in some circumstances the split was a healthy one and no good will come from going back in. You say you are having a tough time deciding? If that's because you'd like to make an effort toward peace with the living, then I'd say go. If it's because you feel like it's expected, I'd pass. Your dad isn't here to see the gesture either way.

A funeral is just a ceremony, it's nothing magic in and of itself. You can celebrate the deceased in any way you see fit as long as it is meaningful to you.
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Old January 02, 2018, 21:14   #25
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I speak from experience .go ,you won't regret it ,well you might now but years from now you won't
When my mom got cancer my wife got got hospice to come help.4 brothers 3 sisters,all older .family went ballistic that we did that .they wouldn't accept she was dying .3 months later she passed .at the funeral priest said all granddaughters had a song to sing.all my brothers and sisters girls got up to sing.my daughter was the only one not asked.three months later we moved to Florida and never talked to anyone for years . It took me along time to get over it
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Old January 02, 2018, 21:29   #26
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Sorry for your loss. I would go, even if it was just for the service, then booked. Put your thick skin on. You know how family is.
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Old January 02, 2018, 21:42   #27
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So sorry for your loss Rich. I agree with what everyone else has said. That being said, as evidenced by you posing the question, I think deep down inside you already know the answer. While it is true that the funeral isn't really for your father it is for his family and friends and it can begin a wonderfully healing process. It also serve as a mechanism to hopefully begin a positive and healing sense of closure for not only those aforementioned friends and family, but in this most important case, You!

It is my hope that my thoughts and prayers will be with you and your family no matter which "right" decision which you chose to do.

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Old January 02, 2018, 21:43   #28
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father

Go and say good by. After the service walk away and do not engage the rest of the family. I am also an outcast as I worked my whole life and chose not to be a welfare receiver or a drug user. Sometimes all you can do is just walk away. When my mother dies I am sure I will not be contacted except to pay the funeral bill.
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Old January 02, 2018, 23:34   #29
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Go to the funeral. Give everyone a firm handshake or hug as appropriate. Hold no grudges. Speak no ills. You will never regret it.
....good advice here.

No matter the disconnect you had with him in life, my condolences for the loss nonetheless.
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Old January 03, 2018, 11:57   #30
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Thanks all. Some good advice to be sure.
I spoke with my little brother at length last night, we've agreed that due to the family being spread all over the bloody continent, we're going to skip a funeral and plant him next to his third missus, which is what he wanted.
This spring there'll be a "celebration of life" , the delay will give everyone a chance to make travel and financial plans. Being the oldest, I guess I'm required to attend, seems it's some kind of family tradition. We've no idea if there was a will, or insurance, or any other plan made for his internment. Guess we''ll find out when it's all done.
My only real consolation is, last year dad turned from his heathen ways and accepted the Lord, probably knowing he had little time remaining.
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Old January 03, 2018, 12:16   #31
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Thanks all. Some good advice to be sure.
I spoke with my little brother at length last night, we've agreed that due to the family being spread all over the bloody continent, we're going to skip a funeral and plant him next to his third missus, which is what he wanted.
This spring there'll be a "celebration of life" , the delay will give everyone a chance to make travel and financial plans. Being the oldest, I guess I'm required to attend, seems it's some kind of family tradition. We've no idea if there was a will, or insurance, or any other plan made for his internment. Guess we''ll find out when it's all done.
My only real consolation is, last year dad turned from his heathen ways and accepted the Lord, probably knowing he had little time remaining.
Sounds like the wisest choice.

Personally I always try to take the high road. Helps me sleep better.

Speaking of which, and related to this, reminds me of the story of going the extra mile. Lot of folks have little idea it's a Biblical reference when they use the phrase. For those that aren't familiar with the history if a Roman soldier encounter you along a road law was he could retain you to carry his gear, but only for 1 mile (a thousand paces at the time) and you were then released from the servitude. At that point he'd have to find someone else. He was in control. By carrying his gear another mile, voluntarily, YOU were in control at that point, and could choose to stop whenever you wish. By taking on the burden you took on the power.

If you truly are the outcast, and you do the work to make the memorial happen, you are the bearer of the power, and can sleep well knowing you went the extra mile to do what was right. What the rest of the family does with that is up to them. You will likely find most wounds do heal with time.

My condolences for your loss.
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Old January 03, 2018, 20:59   #32
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Do you think you still loved him? Or he still loved you? If that's the case,I'd say go.
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Old January 03, 2018, 21:51   #33
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B'shalom Rich.

May his memory be a blessing.


shalom

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Old January 03, 2018, 21:55   #34
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What continent?
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Old January 03, 2018, 22:29   #35
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Without knowing the background and history (and no, I am not going to ask), I will only tell you to do what your heart and gut tells you to do.

Your opinion is the only one that matters at this point.

Going won't change anything that happened in the past.

But it may help going forward.
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Old January 03, 2018, 22:36   #36
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What continent?
Mostly this one. Dads family is from Cuba and Puerto Rico, via way of Spain and Briton. Lots of family still in the islands and on the East coast of of the U.S. Most I've never met, nor even had any correspondence with. My part of the family is the outcast part.
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Old January 03, 2018, 22:45   #37
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Once someone passes all concern must be for the living who will continue this life and make this life better or worse for those who will remain after we are all gone.
That said if there is no family tie to be observed or is intact the only debt to be paid is to those who survive,,, if your attendance will be of help or solace to others and yourself only you know the answer to that,,, a life's final chapter is closing forever,,, that's hard to ignore without special circumstances.
I recently lost my two brothers, one I went to be part of his death vigil,,, the other was cremated without a service by his son,,, that made closure for me impossible with time that I don't have for heartfelt debt of affection I can never pay to my brother.
Estranged or not if you feel a debt to your father,,, that window is closing,,, don't leave a open wound to live with,,, bind up any wounds.

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Old January 03, 2018, 22:50   #38
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Mostly this one. Dads family is from Cuba and Puerto Rico, via way of Spain and Briton. Lots of family still in the islands and on the East coast of of the U.S. Most I've never met, nor even had any correspondence with. My part of the family is the outcast part.
Sorry to hear about your father Rich, But it does sound like it would be interesting to meet the extended family on common ground. You never know, it could even be a bit of fun.
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Old January 04, 2018, 02:50   #39
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My condolences Rich,i cant add anything else more than what the other FF family members have stated.

My dad is cavalier about death and i know it will be me who gets the call and will have to deal with him and d we dont have the best relationship...it will be a weird situation when it happens.

again my condolences and wishes.
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Old January 04, 2018, 07:48   #40
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What invictus said. You should go
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Old January 04, 2018, 08:00   #41
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Go to the funeral. Give everyone a firm handshake or hug as appropriate. Hold no grudges. Speak no ills. You will never regret it.

This....
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Old January 04, 2018, 12:19   #42
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i feel your grief.

mom died in 1983, then a year later dad died for 6 minutes and was different when re-animated. he became a total ass and very difficult to be with; very argumentative, hypocritical, sanctimonius, condemning, abusive, and unreasonable. so i stopped talking to him. 10 years later he died and i went to the funeral. people asked me about him and why i didn't talk with him in his last days. i told them he got dealt a poor hand, and did the best he could with it, but that he was not tolerable. truth is, i was disappointed in him for failing to be a better person. the experience makes me a better father, i think.

it's easier for people who have parents less flawed or afflicted.
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Old January 04, 2018, 12:47   #43
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Sorry to hear about your loss. I would go. Even if you & your father were estranged or whatever the situation may be, there was a time in life that you were very, very close. A father and son have a unique bond.
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Old January 09, 2018, 19:36   #44
Jarhead504
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My deepest condolences to you my Brother.

Jarhead
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Old January 09, 2018, 19:49   #45
Sampson1986
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ratas calientes View Post
Go to the funeral. Give everyone a firm handshake or hug as appropriate. Hold no grudges. Speak no ills. You will never regret it.
Solid advice.

There is a time to make peace, this may be yours.

Sorry for your loss.
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RENEGADE: an individual who rejects lawful or conventional behavior.
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Old January 10, 2018, 00:39   #46
SteelGreyML
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My condolences.
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