The FAL Files  

Go Back   The FAL Files > Discussion Forums > General Non-Firearms Discussion

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old May 14, 2019, 13:33   #1
Atla
Registered
Contributor
 
Atla's Avatar
 
FALaholic #: 79587
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Asheville, NC
Posts: 674
Wanted: People who can read good and know other things good too...

As some of you are aware, I've been working on a book.

It's finished.

Now I need feedback. Honest, brutal, hurt-my-feelings feedback. Because it's more important for me to make a good product than to protect my ego. Also, the better it is, the more likely I can get it published, make money, write more books, buy more guns, and actually be able to afford to shoot them.

If you're a western gun aficionado, or a horse owner, I could certainly use your help as I'm weak in those areas. I've researched what I could, but from what I gather, horse people get as ticked off as we gun folks do when you get an obvious detail wrong. And any moment that makes a reader stop and go, "Wait... what?" is the absolute worst mistake a writer can make.

What's it on?

Well... if you like Magnificent Seven, Jurassic World, and Planet of the Apes - you ought to like this.



For a sampling of the first, heck I dunno, dozen or so chapters - here's a link:

https://gunpowderandink.blog/rawr-pew-pew-pew/

If you are interested, let me know and I'll send you a word document. I would offer to send paper copies, but it's not cheap to send a book through the mail.

So far, feedback has been great. I seem to have created something worthy of being read.

But I'd love to have feedback from my actual target audience. (Which is you people. )

(EDIT - I'll post the first 'chunk' below)

Last edited by Atla; May 14, 2019 at 13:42.
Atla is offline   Reply With Quote
Old May 14, 2019, 13:33   #2
Atla
Registered
Contributor
 
Atla's Avatar
 
FALaholic #: 79587
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Asheville, NC
Posts: 674
***

June 1885.



Circling buzzards made the killing field easy enough to find.

The soldier’s bodies were scattered for a half mile across the open prairie. Mangled, crushed, gnawed on. They’d made a running fight of it, but were slaughtered anyway.

A dozen men. Armed with the finest weapons and equipment since the War Between the States. Trained and experienced in fighting Indians, rustlers, and outlaws.

For all the good that did them.

All I could find was a couple of dead apes and a single wounded triceratops.

Sending the squad out had been the Lieutenants decision. I didn’t blame him. He didn’t have a choice. But with the loss of these men, our low chances of survival dropped even further.

Turning my horse around, I touched heels to his flanks, leaving the weapons and gear for the Indians to find. They were going to need them.

As for me?

My name is Jedidiah Huckleberry Smith.

And I’m probably going to die as well.

***



Two weeks earlier.

Smith Ranch, Wyoming Territory



The wedge on the heavy axe burst through the wood with a satisfying thunk, sending splinters flying as the log split apart. The twin chunks toppled off the large stump. Picking one of the pieces, I set it to be split again, then rested on the axe handle.

With a gloved hand, I pushed my soaked mop of unruly black hair out of my eyes and blinked as a drop of sweat trickled into my eye. My shoulders ached, and my stomach growled. It was almost quitting time.

My horse Carbine, a beautiful dun gelding, stomped his hooves, impatient that he had to stay harnessed to the wagon while waiting for me to finish my work. Ignoring him, I stretched. As my back arched, I felt the familiar tugging from the large mass of decades old scar tissue.

The scars were a constant reminder of the singular day that changed the course of my life, and ultimately led me to where I was now. Living in isolation on a small cattle ranch, a fugitive from justice, a former outlaw… a damaged man. And somewhere out there, someone owed me a debt of blood for the scars. Someone who’d eluded me almost my entire life. Someone who may very well already be dead, but not by my hand. I wasn’t sure which was worse, him still breathing, or someone else stealing the pleasure of taking his life.

The angry thoughts shifted my mood darker, and I quickly swung the axe over my shoulders and slammed the angular blade down with far more force than necessary. The explosion of splinters as the fractioned log burst apart did nothing to ease the hot anger that boiled up from within.

It was the sort of rage that made me want to stop this foolish charade of being a law-abiding citizen and go back to hunting him down. But that was pointless, there were no trails left to follow. They’d all gone cold years ago.

I swallowed hard and forced myself to take deep breaths. That was an old story. That wasn’t me anymore. For two years now, I’d begun to put down roots. And for once in my life, I was actually invested in something good and solid. Something that wouldn’t shoot back at me.

Putting my hands on my hips, I looked around the pasture and was pleased with the amount of work I’d accomplished today. It was hard work, but rewarding. Felling trees then sawing and chopping them into firewood was the hard part, the rewarding part was blowing the stumps up with dynamite. My ears still rang.

In the distance, storm clouds were gathering above the Granite Mountains and making their way towards me. It looked like a real dozy, but I was done for the day anyways. Tossing the axe and saws into the wagon, I threw a few more pieces of split wood into the back to top the load off.

Taking the gun belt down that rested on the seat of the wagon, I buckled it around my waist and climbed aboard. Call it a natural impulse, but I had a very rational fear of being unarmed. Without my Colt Peacemaker on one side, balanced by a nine-and-a-half-inch Bowie on the other, I may as well have been naked.

Carbine looked over his shoulder, and I could tell he was displeased. He was pulling double duty today as my mare, Elsa, was lamed in the barn. Slapping the reins on his back, the tan gelding leaned into his harness and the heavily laden wagon began to roll.

Relaxing as much as possible on the bumpy ride, I watched nearby cattle move into the trees to avoid the storm. My spread wasn’t that big, but if my small herd kept growing, I’d need to hire some ranch hands on. That would be a hassle all on its own. In the meantime, being alone suited me just fine.

Once we reached the house, I stopped my horse and lashed a canvas sheet over the firewood, before turning him loose in the fenced corral beside the barn.

As I bent over to lock the gate behind him, Carbine snatched the hat off my head and trotted off, the black battered Stetson dangling from between his lips. He dropped it a dozen yards away and pranced in a circle, flipping his black mane and tail happily.

Swearing, I crawled through the creaking rails of the corral and picked the hat up. I considered smacking him with it, but he kept his distance, as if knowing my intentions. Instead, I slapped it against my leg a few times to knock the fresh dirt and slobber off.

It figures. I’ve two horses, one is lame and the other is an asshole.

I watched him happily trot into the pole shed built against the barn. That was his favorite spot to stand in the shade and spend the night. Even with the big storm coming in, I wasn’t concerned, the walled sides and shingled roof would protect him from the worst of it.

As a light rain began to fall and the distant rumble of thunder grew louder, I pulled the axe, saw, and leftover dynamite from the wagon and hauled them to the barn. The doors were closed, and as usual, stuck shut. I kicked, swore, jerked, and tugged on them before I finally got one open. They were wretched things, big and stout, as all things in the west needed to be. But they were a constant aggravation and I was certain they were going to be the death of me. One of these days, I’d split a gut forcing them open, and die writhing in the dirt as they towered over me, locked shut in their mockery.

But the barn itself was a great big thing. A story and a half tall, with a wide opening down the center and several stalls along the side. It was big enough to hold over a dozen cattle or horses with room to spare. Hay was kept in the loft, gradually added to through the short summer in preparation for keeping my critters alive in case of a long, hard winter.

Dropping the tools at the end of the barn by the small back door, I stopped by Elsa’s stall to feed her an apple. It’d only been two days since I noticed her favoring her right leg. The swelling had gone done, but she still favored it and needed more rest.

Unlike Carbine, she was a good horse.

I gave her a good scratch on her withers before jogging through the rain and onto the porch of my one room ranch house. Stopping at the door, I turned and watched the swirling gray clouds grow nearer. It looked like we were in for a big one. The toe of my boot hit something as I opened the door. My saddle sat next to the rocking chair where I’d mended some stitching this morning. It needed to be put away still, but I wasn’t about to lug it through the rain to the barn now. It’d be fine here for the night.

Lightning split the distant sky, and I counted the seconds before the boom reached me. It’d be here soon, and it was just getting warmed up. Knocking mud clumps from my boots, I stepped inside to settle in for the night.

***

The terrified scream of a horse jerked me awake and out of bed.

Two long strides and I was peeking through the cross shaped firing port in the closed shutter.

With the storm blocking most of the moonlight, visibility was limited. I couldn’t see much of anything, and all I heard was the drumming of rain and wind.

It was times like this when I was thankful that I didn’t sleep naked.

I jerked boots on over bare feet and slung the thick leather gun belt around my cotton threaded drawers. From above the door, I took down a well-worn Winchester 1873 rifle, I worked the lever, jacking a cartridge into the chamber. Immediately, I felt the reassuring comfort that only ample amounts of firepower can give a man when he faces unknown things that go bump in the night.

I waited, standing still, listening for any noises. Still nothing but the gentle patter of falling rain on the roof and wind whistling by.

Lighting a lantern, I stepped into the storm.

The rain was falling at a slant, cutting underneath the roof on the porch and soaking me. I regretted not grabbing my slicker.

The rain plastered my hair to my scalp and I shuddered as the cold water ran down my bare chest and back before soaking into my underwear. The lantern gave off a low glow, fighting to penetrate through the rain and darkness.

I moved across the yard to the corral as the open barn door squeaked on its hinges. Lightning flashed across the sky and several long moments later the rumbling thunder washed over me.

Holding the lantern out, I saw the top rail of the corral was knocked off while the one underneath lay splintered and broken on the ground.

I inspected the damage and area around it. No sign of blood or struggle, just a single set of hoof tracks leading away towards the forest at a run. It was obvious Carbine broke through the fence, but why? This storm was bad, but it wasn’t the worse we’d been through, and it wasn’t like him to leave shelter.

Lightning flashed again, illuminating the empty corral and splitting a tree at the edge of the forest. The boom of thunder hit me a split second later. I felt that through my bones as the wind picked up, and the heavy barn door thumped as it bounced against the board siding.

A couple of soft thuds came from inside the building and I took a few steps towards the barn, uncertain of what I’d heard. There was another thud, followed by a crunching, like branches being stepped on. Then what sounded like a snort and a tearing noise, then more crunching.

I shook my head, it was hard to make out. Rain was pounding my body, trees were groaning and cracking in the heavy wind, and the rumble of thunder rolled over me. I tried to listen again and could make out nothing in the noises of the storm and repeated thumping of the door.

Puzzled, I figured I may as well check on Elsa.

Rain poured heavily down from the angled roof, putting a sheet of falling water between myself and the inside of the barn. A hard wind gust hit me, and I staggered before leaning into it.

Frustrated with the pounding wind and cold rain, I raised the lantern and ducked through the sheet of water and into the barn. It covered me, soaking whatever tiny bits of my body that had remained dry so far.

I took two steps inside, blinking rapidly to clear the water from my eyes, and then I skidded to a sudden stop.

There was a monster in the barn.

Facing away from me, the giant beast swung its head over a shoulder and glared.

The creature had a thick, heavy head, almost reptilian in appearance. Something dangled from clenched teeth. Dark liquid dripped from jaws and onto the dirt floor. Black eyes reflected lantern light, giving off a sinister appearance. Two bony ridges started above the slanted nostrils, growing larger as they ran along its head and flared out above the eyes before ending at the top of its skull. Small bumps and ridges ran down the back of its neck along its spine.

A large, thick tail was raised slightly into the air, tapering to a point, close enough I could have reached out and touched it. Muscular and powerful hind legs held the rear end up, while the front arms dug claws into Elsa’s body.

My sweet, injured horse lay ripped open, entrails and ribbons of torn flesh strewn amongst the shattered boards of her stall.

Shocked, I realized it was a hind leg that dangled from the beast’s mouth. Broken shards of bone glistened palely from the lantern light amongst the darkened flesh.

I couldn’t move. I couldn’t think. My mind couldn’t comprehend what was in front of me.

The barn door thumped behind me in the wind.

The severed limb was dropped with a sickly wet thud and the monster snorted softly, tilting its head to the side. It sniffed, as though trying to figure out what small creature would dare approach so boldly.

We stared at each other in the glow of the lantern, the moments stretching, then a strong gust of wind slammed the door shut behind me with a boom that shook the building.

That broke the magical moment.

I flinched as the monster roared, the noise assaulting my ears and revealing rows of large curved teeth coated with blood and bits of flesh. The stench was overpowering and nauseating. Droplets of blood and pieces of Elsa flew from its mouth, splattering against my chest and face.

Forgetting the rifle in my hands, I turned and ran face first into the door.

It didn’t budge. It was stuck. It was always stuck.

I shoved with a shoulder, throwing all my weight against the rough boards.

Nothing.

Screaming in rage, I stepped back and kicked in a last-ditch attempt to force it open.

It failed.

The creature turned in the confines of the hallway to face me, its tail slamming into stalls and the center beam with an audible crack.

The second-floor joists creaked and groaned as the heavy weight of hay shifted on the broken post.

I quickly looked for a way out. The large double doors were jammed shut. The windows in the stalls were too narrow to fit through. That left only the small door at the far end of the barn. But the beast stood between myself and my escape.

The creature lunged, mouth agape and teeth bared.

Diving to the side, I dropped the lantern and it burst, spewing flaming oil as I rolled away.

The monster’s mouth snapped shut where I’d been a moment before, then the creature jerked back, hissing, as it recoiled from the explosion of flames.

Kneeling, I gripped the rifle tighter.

It was time to fight back.

Jerking the smooth wood stock against my shoulder, I squeezed the trigger, sending a 200-grain bullet into the beast’s chest.

Instinctively, I shucked the lever and fired again without waiting to see its reaction. Because I had ten rounds and I intended to use them all to send this creature back to the hell it came from. I worked the rifle quickly, peppering the beast with bullet after bullet.

Roaring in pain and anger, the creature lunged.

I flung myself aside, stumbling as I tried to avoid the spreading flames and slamming my face into the roughhewn boards of a stall.

Pain shot through my skull and tears welled as the rifle flew from my grasp.

Blinking, I rolled desperately as a clawed arm swiped at me. A sharp line of pain flashed hot across my chest. But the stall saved me by taking the brunt of the blow, shards of wood showered down on me.

I scrambled backwards, trying to put more distance between us. Blood trickled down my chest, but I ignored the wound. If I didn’t die in the immediate future, I’d worry about it later.

The beast turned after me, its tail slashing through the smoke and slamming the stuck door open. Storm winds fanned the flames higher.

The interior of the barn became a flickering smoke-filled haze as the fire spread, licking the sides of the stalls and along the door jam.

Smoke wafted around the monster, illuminating it with dancing shadows. Dark fluid oozed from puckered holes where my bullets had found their target.

I stood carefully, bracing myself to move for another sudden attack.

The monster watched, eyes following my movements. It slowly rose on hind legs, the thick tail dropping to the floor, front arms spread with claws extended. The gaping maw of bloodied jagged teeth was open.

I could taste its rotten breath in the air.

The beast reared back slightly, its mouth opening impossibly wide as it prepared to strike.

This time, I was ready.

Drawing my pistol, I fired from the hip.

Retreating, I shot all five rounds from the Peacemaker. Each bullet hit a little higher than the last as I rode the recoil and worked my shots up its large body. The final bullet skimmed along the beast’s snout, slicing open a flap of skin, exposing bone, and blowing out one of the creature’s eye sockets.

The monster roared and thrashed its arms, pawing at the wound that partially blinded it.

Damn thing just wouldn’t die.

Turning to run, I tripped over Elsa’s remains. Blood, organs, and rendered flesh squished under my weight. My hand went into her stomach. Gagging, I slipped off her corpse into a stall.

The boards gave me a moment of concealment, but I had no illusion about their usefulness as protection. The strength of the beast would make short work of my hiding spot.

Flipping the barrel of the revolver up, I rotated the cylinder and quickly dumped the empty shells. With gore covered fingers, I began to reload, carefully feeding cartridges into the empty chambers, one by one. Each turn of the cylinder made a quiet snick that I prayed the monster didn’t hear.

Lightning struck nearby, temporarily overwhelming my senses with the painful crack of electricity.

Wincing, I froze.

The barn was silent, except for the crackle of growing flames, and a low rhythmic hissing.

Smoke drifted into the stall, burning my eyes and lungs. I fought to stifle a cough.

Black claws gripped the wood rail above me suddenly and I cringed lower as it splintered and broke. The beast leaned forward, searching the barn with its good eye. Blood trickled slowly off the creatures pebbled hide and splattered onto my bare shoulders.

I only had two cartridges loaded. Fearful of making a noise, I eased the loading gate on the pistol shut over the cylinder, wincing at the tiny click it gave. Tilting the barrel upwards, I pointed it under the monster’s jaw and began taking up the slack on the trigger.

The beast suddenly jerked back out of sight.

I gave a small sigh of relief.

Violently, I was catapulted forward onto my face as the damaged reptilian head slammed through the wall of the stall I’d been leaning against.

Teeth snapped shut as I scrambled away and rolled onto my back. The beasts head jutted through the shattered boards, snarling and snapping as it strained to get me. Nails shrieked as the wall threatened to tear away form the posts at any moment.

Firmly gripping the pistol tightly with both hands, I raised my head and fired between my knees.

The bullet hit and skimmed along the thick skull like the last, gashing open another flap of thick skin and exposing bone. The monster jerked at the pain and my remaining shot punched into a shoulder.

Screaming in rage, I resisted the temptation to hurl my empty pistol at its bloodied face.

The beast wrenched its head back and forth, struggling to pull back through the jagged broken wall. Boards, bent inward from the creature’s intrusion, pushed against the back of the monster’s skull. The boards tightened and dug into flesh as it fought to free itself. The foul creature hissed and snapped forward at me again.

I shoved my pistol into its holster, crawled into the open room and around Elsa’s mutilated remains.

The smoke was harsh and with nowhere to go, was filling the barn. I coughed and hacked as it threatened to suffocate me. Looking past the thrashing beasts tail, I saw my rifle near the entrance with flames licking around the barrel. Desperate for a loaded weapon, I slid across the packed dirt floor and scooped up the rifle. The barrel was hot, the stock singed in places, but thankfully the rounds hadn’t cooked off from the heat yet.

The beast roared, grabbing and ripping at the broken boards trapping its head with its claws. Splayed feet dug into the ground as it leveraged its thick hind quarters to break through the wood. The tail thrashed back and forth, flinging tools and equipment across the floor and into the flames.

Bits of burning hay from the rafters above fell between us as the flames reached the top level.

The large front door was still open, but a raging inferno stood between me and my escape.

The only option was still the small door in the far end. And in my desperation for a loaded weapon, I foolishly made the horrible mistake of putting the monster back between me and my exit.

With a mighty jerk, the creature pulled itself free and backed into the cracked center post.

It broke.

The center of the barn crashed down, dropping burning debris, and stopping a mere handful of feet above the beast, supported by broken and creaking joists that threatened to snap at any moment. Flames whooshed higher from the air entering through the shattered roof, fanning them to towering heights as rain poured in and fought to quench them. The air cleared slightly as the smoke rose and billowed out above us.

Amidst the flames and smoke, I looked at the bloodied harbinger of death and terror before me.

Blood oozed from the monster’s wounds, bits of splintered wood embedded in its flesh, and one eye was a gaping ruin seeping blood from the mangled socket. A front arm hung low, the bullet I fired into its shoulder having done damage to some tendons.

I racked the lever and savored the snick of the action closing on a fresh round. I didn’t know how many bullets were left in the tube. Four? Five?

Didn’t matter. If I was going to be eaten, the beast would have to gnaw through my empty guns first.

The creature charged with a roar.

Adrenaline and fear gave speed to my hands. I jerked the barrel up and stroked the action, firing faster than I ever had before.

My aim was true.

The monstrosity twitched and shuddered as it absorbed the rounds, slowing down as massive tissue damage and blood loss weakened the beast. But it still didn’t stop coming.

In desperation, I shoved the rifle in front of me and wedged it horizontally into the creatures open mouth. The large teeth clamped down, narrowly missing my hands. Its gnarled tongue slapped against wood forearm as the stock splintered and broke. Even in its weakened state, its strength far surpassed my own.

Hot, rotten breath bathed me as the beast pushed me backwards towards the raging fire.

I screamed as the heat became unbearable and let go of the gun, diving aside before I was pushed into the blazing hot inferno.

The beast’s head thrust into the flames. It sizzled and popped as skin and raw wounds burned. The creature tried to roar around the rifle jutting out from each side of its mouth. A flailing arm backhanded me and flung me like a rag doll.

I hit the ground with a heavy thud.

Forcing myself up, I ran around the struggling creature to the rear of the barn, dodging bundles of flaming hay raining down.

The monster thrashed, slamming into broken stalls and beams as it tried to dislodge the jammed rifle from its mouth.

The front of the barn shuddered under the impacts. It was a miracle the structure was still standing and hadn’t collapsed already.

The barn had become a hellfire with a demon trapped inside, roaring in pain and anger. Smoke swirled around the beast, while rain dripped through the broken roof and fought the spreading flames.

Reaching the back door, I paused as I saw my tools from earlier. Next to the wedged head of the axe sat a small marked wooden chest with rope handles. Jerking the lid off, I spied the leftover cardboard wrapped sticks of dynamite from earlier.

This was more like it.

I grabbed a blast cap and jammed it onto the explosive. Twisting the fuse around my fingers, I snapped it off short.

The monster had knocked the rifle out of its mouth and began stalking down the aisle. Blood and saliva dripped onto the floor, sizzling in the flames. It jerked its head aside as a bundle of burning hay fell in front of it. The wounded arm dangled lower now, and a hind leg dragged, giving it an uneven gait as it approached.

Rage seemed to be keeping the wretched thing alive.

Using a nearby flame, the fuse ignited in a shower of sparks and burned quickly towards the blasting cap. I tossed the stick back in the box, and kicked the small crate towards the beast before running out the back door into the rain.

The fire rose high into the air behind me as the barn was being consumed by flames.

Slipping in the wet grass, I stumbling to my knees. Pushing up from the rain-soaked ground and ran for the house. Shelter seemed so far away.

Behind me came a bestial roar followed by heavy thuds.

I dared a backwards look.

The monster ripped the small door off its hinges. Claws grabbed the frame and tore pieces away as the creature fought to get through the narrow opening. The wall screeched and shuddered as boards snapped and broke.

Shoving its mangled head and shoulders through the opening, the monster roared at me.

The dynamite blew the barn apart behind it.

A large chunk of debris hit me like a train, driving air from my lungs and slamming me backwards against the ground.

For a moment, everything went dark.

Then I became acutely aware of pain. I blinked rapidly. Everything hurt. The gash across my chest stung. My lungs and throat felt like they were on fire. Dozens of small scrapes and cuts covered my singed body. My long underwear was in tatters.

I coughed.

The pain from the movement almost consumed me.

Bits of flaming debris were scattered throughout the yard. A pitchfork was embedded nearby, its broken handle on fire.

What remained of the barn shuddered then collapsed in on itself in a shower of sparks and flame.

The beast lay near me. Blood ran from its many wounds and mingled with the rain. The rear legs and tail were shredded and mangled from the explosion.

But still, it lived.

The hellish beasts single remaining dark orb glared, reflecting the dancing flames. Snarling, it weakly stretched a forelimb towards me, sharp claws open and reaching.

My battered body responded sluggishly as I drew my Colt. I pointed the trembling barrel at the beast’s face, and pulled the trigger.

Click.

The pistol was empty.

I dropped the useless gun and with thick, fumbling fingers grasped the handle of my Bowie.

The claws that reached for me suddenly clutched at the wet soil and with a violent spasm, the beast shuddered, before giving a final rattling breath and laying still.

It was finally dead.

Lighting danced across the sky as the storm raged on and closing my eyes, I embraced the pain and darkness.

***

I woke hacking and coughing, with a pounding headache and soaked to the bone as a light rain continued to fall. My empty pistol lay beside me, wet and gleaming in the early rays of the morning sun that peeked through the retreating storm clouds.

The monster still stared at me, its bloodied lips parted in a snarl, the single eye dulled and milky in death.

Beyond the creature, all that remained of my barn was a tumbled mass of burnt timbers and rubble amongst small residual flames that hissed in the rain. A thick gray smoke drifted from the pile of ash.

Bits of smoldering wreckage and charred debris lay scattered around me.

Picking up my gun, I stumbled across the yard to the house. Slamming the door shut, I lowered the door bar and dropped to the floor, leaning back against the wall. If more monsters lurked outside, I didn’t know if a barred door would stop them. But it was comforting, and right now, I felt like a kitten could finish me off with a single blow.

I dumped the spent brass from my pistol onto the floor. Pulling fresh cartridges from my belt, I reloaded. The gun, while smeared with the same sticky blood that coated me, would still function and that’s all that mattered.

Stripping out of my boots and tattered underwear, I left them in a heap in the middle of the room and crawled naked into bed. My pistol I laid within reach on a small table.

Lying there, I stared at the exposed rafters in disbelief.

Elsa was ripped apart, Carbine was missing, and the barn burnt to the ground because of an ungodly creature that appeared amid a storm. My mind tried to convince itself that none of it was real, but the pain proved it was all too real.

I closed my eyes and tried to think happy thoughts.

When I woke several hours later, I felt like I had been shot at, missed, shit at, and hit all over.

My joints were stiff. The cut across my chest was a congealed mass of blood and ash. Small nicks, cuts, and burns covered me. The stench of singed hair and blood filled my nostrils. Moving gingerly, I opened the shutters, squinting at the bright light as my eyes adjusted. The yard was just how I remembered it from last night. Full of burnt debris with a giant mangled corpse near the ruination that had once been my barn.

As for the inside of the house, it looked like someone had been murdered. Blood was smeared from where I’d fumbled my way inside. The trail led from inside the door, up against the wall, and across the floor to the scattered pile of bloodied clothing.

Sighing, I pulled pants and boots on before stepping outside.

Carbine trotted around the side of the house, head and tail held high, as if proud that he’d survived. He snorted and pranced, keeping his distance from the smoldering remains of the barn and the monster’s carcass.

Leaving him to wander around, I began to clean myself up.

I washed away the crusted scab over my chest and got a good look at the cut. The single claw that caught me ripped the flesh deep enough to warrant a few stitches. I got lucky, if all three claws had hit me with their full force, I’d be inside the creature’s belly by now.

Downing a couple slugs of whiskey, I bit down on a piece of folded leather before drizzling some across the wound. Tears rolled from my eyes at the burst of pain. Then I stitched it shut, screaming through clenched teeth as the thin thread pulled the torn flesh back together.

Once I was finished, the stitches looked horrible, but they’d hold.

As I wiped away the rest of the grime, and looked in a small shaving mirror, I realized just how beat up I was. In addition to all my other ailments, I had two black eyes and a nice goose egg bump on my head from slamming into the stall.

I looked like hammered crap.

After cleaning myself up in the freezing cold creek the best I could, I rocked in a chair on the porch, staring at the remains of the beast.

Even dead, it was frightening to behold.

Large and powerful, corded with muscle under its pebbled tan hide. The undamaged eye that had been so menacing last night was now glazed over, but the teeth and claws showed the creature’s lethality. I’d never seen or even heard of anything like it.

Then there was the barn, which was destroyed.

Luckily my saddle survived. Leaving it on the porch last night had been a blessing. But the cost to replace the rest of my gear and tools lost in the fire would be staggering.

Not to mention Elsa. She’d been a good horse.

And somewhere in the ashes were the remains of my rifle.

At least I had a spare, an old Spencer Repeater. Twenty years past its prime, it was something of an outdated oddity now. But it fired a hard-hitting round that could kill a buffalo.

It’d do if more beasts came calling, and right now, it was fully loaded within arm’s reach.

I whistled for Carbine and managed to harness and saddle him without too much swearing at the pain.

The Sheriff needed to know about this. More of these monsters might be lurking around and while I got lucky, anyone else caught in the open, unprepared, would be food. The hard part would be convincing him.

Luckily, I had a big corpse.

Picking up the small axe I used for splitting kindling, I collected my proof.

Afterward, I slid the Spencer into the leather saddle scabbard. My vest pockets were full of loose rounds for the rifle and the loops in my belt were filled with .45 cartridges for the Peacemaker. I wanted to be ready for anything. If I had more dynamite, I would have stuffed it into the saddlebags as well.

Easing myself up in the saddle, we rode the trail towards town.

I was edgy the entire way, watching for anything that might want to eat me. It was an uncomfortable ride. The pain from constantly shifting in the saddle coupled with my high level of alertness was exhausting.

But after several hours, we reached Granite Falls.

***

The saga continues with RAWR! Pew! Pew! Pew-Part Tew!

Last edited by Atla; May 14, 2019 at 14:54.
Atla is offline   Reply With Quote
Old May 14, 2019, 14:04   #3
hagar
Registered
 
hagar's Avatar
 
FALaholic #: 228
Join Date: Jul 2000
Location: Columbia, SC
Posts: 10,082
Interesting so far, no obvious spelling or grammar mistakes, easy reading style. I'd definitely read the book when it comes out!
hagar is online now   Reply With Quote
Old May 14, 2019, 14:21   #4
Atla
Registered
Contributor
 
Atla's Avatar
 
FALaholic #: 79587
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Asheville, NC
Posts: 674
Quote:
Originally Posted by hagar View Post
Interesting so far, no obvious spelling or grammar mistakes, easy reading style. I'd definitely read the book when it comes out!
Thank you!

I can't make any promises on spelling or grammar, other than I tried really damn hard. But 117,000 words leaves a lot of openings for mistakes.

Atla is offline   Reply With Quote
Old May 14, 2019, 14:33   #5
imacoonass01
Veteran Member
Silver Contributor
 
imacoonass01's Avatar
 
FALaholic #: 80275
Join Date: Nov 2017
Location: Vidor, TX
Posts: 1,938
I thought we did this already? Deja Vu? Anyway, I will PM you for the Word copy, read it, and give you my report. Thanks.
__________________
“You may all go to hell and I will go to Texas.” - - Davy Crockett
imacoonass01 is online now   Reply With Quote
Old May 14, 2019, 14:35   #6
Abominog
Registered
 
Abominog's Avatar
 
FALaholic #: 372
Join Date: Jul 2000
Location: Guadalcanal
Posts: 9,708
Congrats on the book, I know how much work it is.

A significant element that is missing is the use of metaphors and other tools to build a picture in the readers mind. “Soldiers bodies were scattered like unharvested stalks of corn...” sort of thing. More descriptions of colors, weather, the ground, etc.

Read An Army at Dawn the War in North Africa 1942-1943 by Rick Atkinson and you’ll see what I mean. He does an incredible job painting each scene.
__________________
Author, The FN FAL Primer: The Collector's Guide to the FAL and SLR Rifles
Abominog is online now   Reply With Quote
Old May 14, 2019, 14:41   #7
Texgunner
long-time Texas taxpayer
Silver Contributor
 
Texgunner's Avatar
 
FALaholic #: 4653
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Brokenoak in central Texas-Milam county
Posts: 8,729
So far, so good! Under "2 weeks earlier", fourth paragraph down, "alluded"...maybe should be eluded?
__________________
"The rock of democracy will founder when people think of people unlike themselves as the "other"-Teddy Roosevelt

My daddy was a cowboy in his younger days, wild as the west Texas wind. He once told me, "Son, death is a horse you got to ride. So you better get your saddle ready."-Mick "Pappy" Connors

heavily armed, easily pissed.
Texgunner is online now   Reply With Quote
Old May 14, 2019, 14:46   #8
meltblown
Registered
Bronze Contributor
 
FALaholic #: 34604
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: SA Tx
Posts: 15,407
Quote:
Originally Posted by Texgunner View Post
So far, so good! Under "2 weeks earlier", fourth paragraph down, "alluded"...maybe should be eluded?
Very good, now PV=nRT is next on your list.
__________________
Giving people the benefit of the means it’s ok to screw you over.

Expect the worst, and you'll never be disappointed.

Before trying to beat the odds, make sure you can survive the odds beating you.
meltblown is online now   Reply With Quote
Old May 14, 2019, 14:52   #9
alphadog58
Registered
 
FALaholic #: 9405
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: SE CT
Posts: 3,741
PM sent.
Larry
__________________
“He should be torn into itty bitty pieces and then buried alive!” Hanover Fiste in “Heavy Metal”
alphadog58 is online now   Reply With Quote
Old May 14, 2019, 14:57   #10
Atla
Registered
Contributor
 
Atla's Avatar
 
FALaholic #: 79587
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Asheville, NC
Posts: 674
Whew, man. The eluded thing I actually caught this weekend. Updated my word file but forgot to fix it online.

Glad you guys are paying attention.

Quote:
I thought we did this already? Deja Vu? Anyway, I will PM you for the Word copy, read it, and give you my report. Thanks.
I mentioned it in a revolver forum last fall I think after I'd posted the very first chapter. That was before the book was finished though.
Atla is offline   Reply With Quote
Old May 14, 2019, 14:58   #11
Atla
Registered
Contributor
 
Atla's Avatar
 
FALaholic #: 79587
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Asheville, NC
Posts: 674
Quote:
Originally Posted by meltblown View Post
Very good, now PV=nRT is next on your list.
I don't get it. I even googled it... and still don't get it?
Atla is offline   Reply With Quote
Old May 14, 2019, 15:04   #12
Texgunner
long-time Texas taxpayer
Silver Contributor
 
Texgunner's Avatar
 
FALaholic #: 4653
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Brokenoak in central Texas-Milam county
Posts: 8,729
Quote:
Originally Posted by Atla View Post
I don't get it. I even googled it... and still don't get it?
Oh, he's just showing off his big science skills! Ask him how hot it is...

__________________
"The rock of democracy will founder when people think of people unlike themselves as the "other"-Teddy Roosevelt

My daddy was a cowboy in his younger days, wild as the west Texas wind. He once told me, "Son, death is a horse you got to ride. So you better get your saddle ready."-Mick "Pappy" Connors

heavily armed, easily pissed.
Texgunner is online now   Reply With Quote
Old May 14, 2019, 15:05   #13
meltblown
Registered
Bronze Contributor
 
FALaholic #: 34604
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: SA Tx
Posts: 15,407
Quote:
Originally Posted by Atla View Post
I don't get it. I even googled it... and still don't get it?
Inside joke with TG. Not mean't for you.

I read the excerpt, and it was suspenseful.
__________________
Giving people the benefit of the means it’s ok to screw you over.

Expect the worst, and you'll never be disappointed.

Before trying to beat the odds, make sure you can survive the odds beating you.
meltblown is online now   Reply With Quote
Old May 14, 2019, 15:26   #14
Atla
Registered
Contributor
 
Atla's Avatar
 
FALaholic #: 79587
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Asheville, NC
Posts: 674
Quote:
Originally Posted by meltblown View Post
Inside joke with TG. Not mean't for you.

I read the excerpt, and it was suspenseful.
And here I was thinking it had something to do with burning gun powder!
Atla is offline   Reply With Quote
Old May 14, 2019, 15:33   #15
Atla
Registered
Contributor
 
Atla's Avatar
 
FALaholic #: 79587
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Asheville, NC
Posts: 674
Quote:
Originally Posted by Abominog View Post
Congrats on the book, I know how much work it is.

A significant element that is missing is the use of metaphors and other tools to build a picture in the readers mind. “Soldiers bodies were scattered like unharvested stalks of corn...” sort of thing. More descriptions of colors, weather, the ground, etc.

Read An Army at Dawn the War in North Africa 1942-1943 by Rick Atkinson and you’ll see what I mean. He does an incredible job painting each scene.
Honestly, I'm not verbose enough to be super descriptive. I'd rather trust the readers imagination to paint the picture for them rather than explicitly describe mine.
Atla is offline   Reply With Quote
Old May 14, 2019, 15:45   #16
Bawana jim
Registered
 
FALaholic #: 17482
Join Date: May 2005
Location: west coast
Posts: 21,624
Good luck on your book and I hope you have all the best fortune.
Bawana jim is offline   Reply With Quote
Old May 14, 2019, 15:55   #17
12v71
Registered
 
FALaholic #: 71127
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: I'l know when I get there.
Posts: 7,740
Quote:
Originally Posted by Atla View Post
Honestly, I'm not verbose enough to be super descriptive. I'd rather trust the readers imagination to paint the picture for them rather than explicitly describe mine.
Every writer has his own style, I kind of like what you have going there. I was a big fan of the dark tower series (the books) 'til King showed us what an asshole he was concerning our 2A rights.


Yours has some interesting turns. Hoping to read more someday.
__________________
"Can you lock him out of the marketplace?": My other half talking to Brunop in 2014.

"Freedom is not a crime"

I'm a heavy equipment mechanic because brain surgery was far too easy.
12v71 is online now   Reply With Quote
Old May 14, 2019, 19:20   #18
V guy
Dinosaur
Silver Contributor
 
V guy's Avatar
 
FALaholic #: 10282
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: miami
Posts: 17,660
I am not published.

When I write, I like to pick real actors, who I visualize as perfectly fitting and playing the parts I imagine, so it is easier for me to describe their movements and actions; because I know them from past work, and how they speak.

Sam Sheppard and Gary Cooper for example.

I can't visualize your cowboy yet, or his face, from his words. I see the monster he shot better than him, AND I DEFINITELY SEE THE HORSES BETTER.

He has a grudge. I am not sure if I like him yet.

He should have some heavy artillery like an 1876 Winchester 45-75 or 45-60 in the corner, along with the '73; heavy iron that he keeps for really hurting someone, or something.

Such equipment helps define the man, ( character development) who must have shot some buffalo in his time and some Indians, but not anymore as they are mostly gone.

Spurs clink, he has them, but can trip up the cowboy as they catch on edges. He needs to take them off to drive the wagon or chop wood, as they strap on.

Leather creaks and smells like well, leather; gunbelts and especially saddles and cinches give off that great odor. He also has to take care of the horses hooves, trimming them or at least checking them, and have to to pick out the stones that get stuck in the hoofs on occasion.


Eyes tell the tale of the man, and as they say "eyes are the windows to soul".
V guy is online now   Reply With Quote
Old May 14, 2019, 23:03   #19
jollyrogerf14
Curio & Relic
Platinum Contributor
 
FALaholic #: 71100
Join Date: May 2013
Location: The Citadel, Montana
Posts: 2,217
I enjoyed it. Good entertainment!
jollyrogerf14 is online now   Reply With Quote
Old May 15, 2019, 09:35   #20
Atla
Registered
Contributor
 
Atla's Avatar
 
FALaholic #: 79587
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Asheville, NC
Posts: 674
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bawana jim View Post
Good luck on your book and I hope you have all the best fortune.
Me too. I'm going to buy one of these with the book proceeds.

http://www.usarmamentcorp.com/manufa...og-gatling-gun

Atla is offline   Reply With Quote
Old May 15, 2019, 09:38   #21
Atla
Registered
Contributor
 
Atla's Avatar
 
FALaholic #: 79587
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Asheville, NC
Posts: 674
Quote:
Originally Posted by V guy View Post
He should have some heavy artillery like an 1876 Winchester 45-75 or 45-60 in the corner, along with the '73; heavy iron that he keeps for really hurting someone, or something.
I made sure he gets some pretty good guns as the story progresses. But I'm not saying anything more than that. It's a surprise.
Atla is offline   Reply With Quote
Old May 15, 2019, 09:40   #22
Atla
Registered
Contributor
 
Atla's Avatar
 
FALaholic #: 79587
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Asheville, NC
Posts: 674
Quote:
Originally Posted by 12v71 View Post
Every writer has his own style, I kind of like what you have going there. I was a big fan of the dark tower series (the books) 'til King showed us what an asshole he was concerning our 2A rights.


Yours has some interesting turns. Hoping to read more someday.
I despise King.

For many reasons, including his political opinions, and the fact that he's an asshole supreme. But also because half of his books I've read end with "Oh, **** it - it was Alien's all along!"
Atla is offline   Reply With Quote
Old May 15, 2019, 10:08   #23
meltblown
Registered
Bronze Contributor
 
FALaholic #: 34604
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: SA Tx
Posts: 15,407
Quote:
Originally Posted by Atla View Post
I despise King.

For many reasons, including his political opinions, and the fact that he's an asshole supreme. But also because half of his books I've read end with "Oh, **** it - it was Alien's all along!"
I never liked a damn thing he ever wrote or his movies.
__________________
Giving people the benefit of the means it’s ok to screw you over.

Expect the worst, and you'll never be disappointed.

Before trying to beat the odds, make sure you can survive the odds beating you.
meltblown is online now   Reply With Quote
Old May 15, 2019, 10:36   #24
C-ya
One day at a time...
Contributor
 
C-ya's Avatar
 
FALaholic #: 16313
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Southwest MI
Posts: 2,131
Talking about the storm, I think it should be "doozy", not "dozy".
__________________
ΜOΛΩΝ ΛΑΒΕ
US out of the UN!!
UN out of the US!!
C-ya is online now   Reply With Quote
Old May 15, 2019, 10:49   #25
Atla
Registered
Contributor
 
Atla's Avatar
 
FALaholic #: 79587
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Asheville, NC
Posts: 674
Quote:
Originally Posted by C-ya View Post
Talking about the storm, I think it should be "doozy", not "dozy".
You are correct, Sir!
Atla is offline   Reply With Quote
Old May 15, 2019, 12:20   #26
hagar
Registered
 
hagar's Avatar
 
FALaholic #: 228
Join Date: Jul 2000
Location: Columbia, SC
Posts: 10,082
Quote:
Originally Posted by meltblown View Post
I never liked a damn thing he ever wrote or his movies.
He had some good stuff, and others were just utter crap.

The Green Mile, Shawshank redemption was some of the best.
hagar is online now   Reply With Quote
Old May 15, 2019, 12:39   #27
jhend170
Registered
Contributor
 
jhend170's Avatar
 
FALaholic #: 76477
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 1,948
Quote:
Originally Posted by Texgunner View Post
Oh, he's just showing off his big science skills! Ask him how hot it is...

Was thinking he must be under a lot of Pressure with the Volume of work he has going on. I know it makes my blood Boyle...
jhend170 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old May 15, 2019, 13:52   #28
Invictus77
The Colonel 1C16:13
Bronze Contributor
 
Invictus77's Avatar
 
FALaholic #: 74205
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Western, KY
Posts: 7,597
Quote:
Originally Posted by Atla View Post
If you're a western gun aficionado, or a horse owner, I could certainly use your help as I'm weak in those areas.
I will let others comment on your literary style as honestly I did not read any of it. The picture of the ape on the dinosaur chasing the train tells me it is sci-fi stuff which is just not my thing and stopped me there. Not a bad thing, just not my thing.

On the western gun thing tho, I know a little bit. On the horse thing however, I know a whole LOT. Plus I have a wife who is one of the absolute best "horse whisperers" you will ever meet, bar none. Seriously.

PM me with any questions on those topics and I will do the best to help you correct any possible errors.

Also, I do wish you all the best. The simple show of dedication to be disciplined enough to write a book is admirable in and of itself. Kudus Sir
__________________
A 9mm might expand
A 45 will never shrink
Invictus77 is online now   Reply With Quote
Old May 15, 2019, 13:53   #29
Texgunner
long-time Texas taxpayer
Silver Contributor
 
Texgunner's Avatar
 
FALaholic #: 4653
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Brokenoak in central Texas-Milam county
Posts: 8,729
Quote:
Originally Posted by jhend170 View Post
Was thinking he must be under a lot of Pressure with the Volume of work he has going on. I know it makes my blood Boyle...
Oh, youse science guys!
__________________
"The rock of democracy will founder when people think of people unlike themselves as the "other"-Teddy Roosevelt

My daddy was a cowboy in his younger days, wild as the west Texas wind. He once told me, "Son, death is a horse you got to ride. So you better get your saddle ready."-Mick "Pappy" Connors

heavily armed, easily pissed.
Texgunner is online now   Reply With Quote
Old May 15, 2019, 15:53   #30
V guy
Dinosaur
Silver Contributor
 
V guy's Avatar
 
FALaholic #: 10282
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: miami
Posts: 17,660
You cannot say "doozy."

It is 1885, and the term "doozy", came much later, from the Duesenberg Automobile.
V guy is online now   Reply With Quote
Old May 15, 2019, 16:33   #31
Texgunner
long-time Texas taxpayer
Silver Contributor
 
Texgunner's Avatar
 
FALaholic #: 4653
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Brokenoak in central Texas-Milam county
Posts: 8,729
Merriam-Webster says:

Did You Know?
While it's often maintained that the word doozy derives from the "Duesenberg" in the name of the famed Duesenberg Motor Company, this is impossible on chronological grounds. Doozy was first recorded (in the form dozy) in eastern Ohio in 1916, four years before the Duesenberg Motor Company began to manufacture passenger cars; the related adjective doozy, meaning "stylish" or "splendid," is attested considerably earlier, in 1903. So where did doozy come from? Etymologists believe that it's an altered form of the word daisy, which was used especially in the late 1800s as a slang term for someone or something considered the best
.

https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/doozy
__________________
"The rock of democracy will founder when people think of people unlike themselves as the "other"-Teddy Roosevelt

My daddy was a cowboy in his younger days, wild as the west Texas wind. He once told me, "Son, death is a horse you got to ride. So you better get your saddle ready."-Mick "Pappy" Connors

heavily armed, easily pissed.
Texgunner is online now   Reply With Quote
Old May 15, 2019, 18:07   #32
meltblown
Registered
Bronze Contributor
 
FALaholic #: 34604
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: SA Tx
Posts: 15,407
Quote:
Originally Posted by jhend170 View Post
Was thinking he must be under a lot of Pressure with the Volume of work he has going on. I know it makes my blood Boyle...
Sir Charles had the enthalpy side covered. Heat or not as much heat. We ain't worried about cold cuz thar's no such thing. I have yet to find an equation measuring cold though entropy can work it's way into the unidealic side.
Tex says avocado and I say avagadro
__________________
Giving people the benefit of the means it’s ok to screw you over.

Expect the worst, and you'll never be disappointed.

Before trying to beat the odds, make sure you can survive the odds beating you.

Last edited by meltblown; May 15, 2019 at 18:27.
meltblown is online now   Reply With Quote
Old May 16, 2019, 08:34   #33
Atla
Registered
Contributor
 
Atla's Avatar
 
FALaholic #: 79587
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Asheville, NC
Posts: 674
Quote:
Originally Posted by Invictus77 View Post
I will let others comment on your literary style as honestly I did not read any of it. The picture of the ape on the dinosaur chasing the train tells me it is sci-fi stuff which is just not my thing and stopped me there. Not a bad thing, just not my thing.

On the western gun thing tho, I know a little bit. On the horse thing however, I know a whole LOT. Plus I have a wife who is one of the absolute best "horse whisperers" you will ever meet, bar none. Seriously.

PM me with any questions on those topics and I will do the best to help you correct any possible errors.

Also, I do wish you all the best. The simple show of dedication to be disciplined enough to write a book is admirable in and of itself. Kudus Sir
I really appreciate the offer, and I'm sure I'll have questions about horses!
Atla is offline   Reply With Quote
Old May 16, 2019, 08:46   #34
Atla
Registered
Contributor
 
Atla's Avatar
 
FALaholic #: 79587
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Asheville, NC
Posts: 674
Quote:
Originally Posted by V guy View Post
You cannot say "doozy."

It is 1885, and the term "doozy", came much later, from the Duesenberg Automobile.
Good catch. It's been difficult at times trying to keep the language 'period correct' within reason while also not falling guilty of using boring cliche's of western speech.
Atla is offline   Reply With Quote
Old May 16, 2019, 08:59   #35
jhend170
Registered
Contributor
 
jhend170's Avatar
 
FALaholic #: 76477
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 1,948
Quote:
Originally Posted by meltblown View Post
Tex says avocado and I say avagadro
A number of people like us do!
jhend170 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old May 16, 2019, 11:51   #36
C-ya
One day at a time...
Contributor
 
C-ya's Avatar
 
FALaholic #: 16313
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Southwest MI
Posts: 2,131
Quote:
Originally Posted by jhend170 View Post
A number of people like us do!
__________________
ΜOΛΩΝ ΛΑΒΕ
US out of the UN!!
UN out of the US!!
C-ya is online now   Reply With Quote
Old May 16, 2019, 18:43   #37
pakrat57
Registered
 
FALaholic #: 16778
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Oregon
Posts: 92
I like it. Looking forward to reading more. Spotted this towards the end of part 4. (Loud bellows and guttural calls to echoed up to my perch high on the cliff edge.)
pakrat57 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old May 17, 2019, 10:01   #38
C-ya
One day at a time...
Contributor
 
C-ya's Avatar
 
FALaholic #: 16313
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Southwest MI
Posts: 2,131
Part Tew.

I did remember, and my concern was that it might burst into flames the moment I pinned it on. Standing, I downed the last mouthful of coffee and sent (set) the cup on his desk. “See you in a bit. I’ve got a couple errands to run.”


Also, nice obscure reference. My ship was named after this battle. "Rumor was a cannon ball took it off at the Siege of Vicksburg"


The unwounded miner shot us a glare, before steadying his semi-conscience (conscious) friend and half carrying him out the bat wing doors.

Leaning forward, he carefully shifting (shifted) his boots to avoid the growing pool of blood as he rifled through the dead man’s pocket. (Or delete "he" but that would entail sentence structure changes as well.)
__________________
ΜOΛΩΝ ΛΑΒΕ
US out of the UN!!
UN out of the US!!

Last edited by C-ya; May 17, 2019 at 12:58.
C-ya is online now   Reply With Quote
Old May 17, 2019, 10:36   #39
308/223shooter
FALaholic Enabler
Gold Contributor
 
308/223shooter's Avatar
 
FALaholic #: 15405
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Land of moss,mudd and liberal bullshyte.
Posts: 7,336
Punctuation and grammar / spelling issues aside, I just want you to finish the bloody thing so I find out what happens next.
__________________
What if the Mystery Babalon described in Revelation, which is destroyed by the nations of the North, is actually America?

The biggest problem with religion is those who claim to know Jesus, then turn around and deny Him with their lifestyle. That is what a unbelieving world, simply finds unbelievable.

Before you die, you should have a will with extra copies. The old saying "No one will screw you faster than family" is bloody well true.

Women are dangerous. All warm, soft and cuddly on the outside, and berserker, Ragnarok crazy upstairs in the control room.
308/223shooter is online now   Reply With Quote
Old May 17, 2019, 10:43   #40
C-ya
One day at a time...
Contributor
 
C-ya's Avatar
 
FALaholic #: 16313
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Southwest MI
Posts: 2,131
Quote:
Originally Posted by 308/223shooter View Post
Punctuation and grammar / spelling issues aside, I just want you to finish the bloody thing so I find out what happens next.
Same here! I'm enjoying reading it, but he did ask for help.
__________________
ΜOΛΩΝ ΛΑΒΕ
US out of the UN!!
UN out of the US!!
C-ya is online now   Reply With Quote
Old May 17, 2019, 12:06   #41
Atla
Registered
Contributor
 
Atla's Avatar
 
FALaholic #: 79587
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Asheville, NC
Posts: 674
Good catches.

Ugh. It's always embarrassing to see stuff so obvious being pointed out.

Quote:
Punctuation and grammar / spelling issues aside, I just want you to finish the bloody thing so I find out what happens next.
I can send you the full thing. All I need is an email address.
Atla is offline   Reply With Quote
Old May 17, 2019, 12:23   #42
308/223shooter
FALaholic Enabler
Gold Contributor
 
308/223shooter's Avatar
 
FALaholic #: 15405
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Land of moss,mudd and liberal bullshyte.
Posts: 7,336
Quote:
Originally Posted by Atla View Post
Good catches.

Ugh. It's always embarrassing to see stuff so obvious being pointed out.



I can send you the full thing. All I need is an email address.
PM sent!
__________________
What if the Mystery Babalon described in Revelation, which is destroyed by the nations of the North, is actually America?

The biggest problem with religion is those who claim to know Jesus, then turn around and deny Him with their lifestyle. That is what a unbelieving world, simply finds unbelievable.

Before you die, you should have a will with extra copies. The old saying "No one will screw you faster than family" is bloody well true.

Women are dangerous. All warm, soft and cuddly on the outside, and berserker, Ragnarok crazy upstairs in the control room.
308/223shooter is online now   Reply With Quote
Old May 17, 2019, 12:56   #43
C-ya
One day at a time...
Contributor
 
C-ya's Avatar
 
FALaholic #: 16313
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Southwest MI
Posts: 2,131
A couple more.

Part 3.

Behind him, the others began to react. The small ape notched (nocked) an arrow and drew the bow back.

The monkey watched me twist and fail (flail?), a thin trickle of red dribbling from his ruptured ear drum. His face twisted in a snarl, and his intelligent brown eyes glared.

Part 4.

The birds were larger than any I’d ever seen. They had thick bodies covered in tan and brown feathers, with a small head on an outstretched neck, and ran in bounds on long legs. The squawks came from toothed beaks below small beady eyes, and their wings, too small to offer flight, stuck uot (out) on each side to give them balance.

Dismounting, I poured water from my canteen into my hat with trembling hands. That monster really did a number on me, and the memories of the smaller beast I killed was all to (too) fresh.
__________________
ΜOΛΩΝ ΛΑΒΕ
US out of the UN!!
UN out of the US!!
C-ya is online now   Reply With Quote
Old May 17, 2019, 13:19   #44
Atla
Registered
Contributor
 
Atla's Avatar
 
FALaholic #: 79587
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Asheville, NC
Posts: 674
@Cya - Fixed!

This is why Publishers have Professional Editors go over novels in painstaking detail. Over two dozen people have read over it and only caught one or two of those mistakes you've caught. The rest are all new to me.
Atla is offline   Reply With Quote
Old May 17, 2019, 13:26   #45
jhend170
Registered
Contributor
 
jhend170's Avatar
 
FALaholic #: 76477
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 1,948
Quote:
Originally Posted by C-ya View Post
Part Tew.



The unwounded miner shot us a glare, before steadying his semi-conscience (conscious) friend and half carrying him out the bat-wing doors.
FYI one of my degrees is in technical writing. Anything that is a double modifier is generally hyphenated. Think of things like "Blue-green" algae, or "red-hot" glow.
jhend170 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old May 17, 2019, 13:33   #46
Invictus77
The Colonel 1C16:13
Bronze Contributor
 
Invictus77's Avatar
 
FALaholic #: 74205
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Western, KY
Posts: 7,597
Quote:
Originally Posted by Atla View Post
@Cya - Fixed!

This is why Publishers have Professional Editors go over novels in painstaking detail. Over two dozen people have read over it and only caught one or two of those mistakes you've caught. The rest are all new to me.
Professional editors add value.

I sent out a very high level technical report to a client just today. After I wrote the first draft, it was read and edited on a technical level by 5 of the most brilliant engineers in my industry for the past two days.

After we were done with the technical discussions and clarifications, I read through it again myself at least 6 times, correcting a comma, adding a word, etc.

After sending this "perfect" document, I re-read it again. I left out a simple word in the opening sentence of the fuggen report
__________________
A 9mm might expand
A 45 will never shrink
Invictus77 is online now   Reply With Quote
Old May 17, 2019, 15:39   #47
jhend170
Registered
Contributor
 
jhend170's Avatar
 
FALaholic #: 76477
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 1,948
Quote:
Originally Posted by Invictus77 View Post
Professional editors add value.

I sent out a very high level technical report to a client just today. After I wrote the first draft, it was read and edited on a technical level by 5 of the most brilliant engineers in my industry for the past two days.

After we were done with the technical discussions and clarifications, I read through it again myself at least 6 times, correcting a comma, adding a word, etc.

After sending this "perfect" document, I re-read it again. I left out a simple word in the opening sentence of the fuggen report
I find it exceedingly easy to edit other people's stuff. Hell I do it as a side biz, mainly for ESL types doing their theses or dissertations. It's when you try to edit your own stuff that it gets far more difficult. There's actual science to it. You read something you wrote and your predictive ability puts in things and reads incorrect things as correct because you know what it's SUPPOSED to say. When I have to edit my own stuff I walk away for a couple of days after writing it to lose a bit of that "auto-fill" the brain does. Makes it far easier to find the little things, and especially missing words.
jhend170 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old May 17, 2019, 16:42   #48
Texgunner
long-time Texas taxpayer
Silver Contributor
 
Texgunner's Avatar
 
FALaholic #: 4653
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Brokenoak in central Texas-Milam county
Posts: 8,729
Quote:
Originally Posted by jhend170 View Post
There's actual science to it. You read something you wrote and your predictive ability puts in things and reads incorrect things as correct because you know what it's SUPPOSED to say. When I have to edit my own stuff I walk away for a couple of days after writing it to lose a bit of that "auto-fill" the brain does. Makes it far easier to find the little things, and especially missing words.
^^This^^ Very true.
__________________
"The rock of democracy will founder when people think of people unlike themselves as the "other"-Teddy Roosevelt

My daddy was a cowboy in his younger days, wild as the west Texas wind. He once told me, "Son, death is a horse you got to ride. So you better get your saddle ready."-Mick "Pappy" Connors

heavily armed, easily pissed.
Texgunner is online now   Reply With Quote
Old May 18, 2019, 07:34   #49
C-ya
One day at a time...
Contributor
 
C-ya's Avatar
 
FALaholic #: 16313
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Southwest MI
Posts: 2,131
@Atla, glad to help. Just hitting on some obvious stuff that jumps out at me. Would you mind sending me the complete document as well? I'm kind of invested now!
__________________
ΜOΛΩΝ ΛΑΒΕ
US out of the UN!!
UN out of the US!!
C-ya is online now   Reply With Quote
Old May 18, 2019, 15:43   #50
Atla
Registered
Contributor
 
Atla's Avatar
 
FALaholic #: 79587
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Asheville, NC
Posts: 674
C-ya - send me your email and I'd be glad too!
Atla is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On

Forum Jump


All times are GMT -5. The time now is 02:05.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2019, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
©1998-2018 The FAL Files