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Old June 08, 2018, 14:41   #51
Texgunner
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whoa.
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My daddy was a cowboy in his younger days, wild as the west Texas wind. He once told me, "Son, death is a horse you got to ride. So you better get your saddle ready."

heavily armed, easily pissed.
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Old June 08, 2018, 16:52   #52
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Originally Posted by sniperdoc View Post
I want that!
Unless you've been keeping one hell of a secret from all of us, ya ain't got a snowballs chance in hell of ever having a butt like that one!

And if you did, stay far, far, away from Martin, his eyes ain;t what they used to be.

Just saying now.
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Old June 08, 2018, 20:57   #53
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Quote:
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why do women have to sets of lips
so they can piss and moan at the same time
Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch!
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Old June 08, 2018, 20:58   #54
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My wife says her new mirror takes at least ten pounds off. I told her to take it back to the "Fun House!"
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Old June 11, 2018, 22:13   #55
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JOKE:
Little Larry the Fighter Pilot
A teacher asks the kids in her 5th grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Larry says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while... banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."

The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply continue with the lesson.

"And how about you, Sarah?"

"I wanna be Larry's whore"
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Old June 11, 2018, 22:38   #56
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^ THIS is the antithesis of fairy tales and unicorns/knights in shining armor.

It is true/real as can be too . . .

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Old June 11, 2018, 23:09   #57
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A lesbian went for a smear test and the doctor told her, "That's the cleanest vagina I've seen!"

The lesbian replied, "Yes, I have a woman in twice a week!"
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It ain't the firearms they are wanting to be rid of, its you!
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Old June 12, 2018, 07:47   #58
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My all time fave joke...

Woman goes to her gynecologist. Nurse calls her back, walks her to the exam room, tells her to put on the paper gown, and hop up on the exam table and the doctor will be in shortly. Doctor knocks, walks in, says "Well hello Mrs. Jones. Didn't I just see you a month ago? What brings you back in?" "Well doc, I think the hormone treatments you started me on might be a little strong." "What makes you say that Mrs. Jones?" "Well doc, I have this new hair growing on the lower part of my belly." "Really? Where exactly is that?" "It's about 2 inches above my penis, and that's another thing I need to talk to you about."
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Old June 12, 2018, 08:57   #59
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cava3r4 View Post
JOKE:
Little Larry the Fighter Pilot
A teacher asks the kids in her 5th grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Larry says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while... banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."

The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply continue with the lesson.

"And how about you, Sarah?"

"I wanna be Larry's whore"
They do learn young. I taught a beautiful girl in the 7th grade. She was a gorgeous young thing, and one day she told a substitute teacher that she didn't need to study for an upcoming test. When asked why, she replied "Because I'm going to be a trophy wife!"
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"The rock of democracy will founder when people think of people unlike themselves as the "other"-Teddy Roosevelt

My daddy was a cowboy in his younger days, wild as the west Texas wind. He once told me, "Son, death is a horse you got to ride. So you better get your saddle ready."

heavily armed, easily pissed.
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Old June 12, 2018, 11:53   #60
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Quote:
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24 for me, ugh!

As for virgins, we're from a different generation???
My generation, nuthin alive or dead was safe.
18 years old, no morals, no values, pocket full of money, scared to death, armed with machine guns and hand grenades, and the rules did not apply to us.

Damn, I miss those idiots one and all!
The ones I knew would spend all their money at the strip clubs, then go back to the barracks broke and horny.

I miss them too.
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Old June 12, 2018, 12:02   #61
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The ones I knew would spend all their money at the strip clubs, then go back to the barracks broke and horny.

I miss them too.
My grandad used to tell a joke that he spent most of his money on booze and women, and rest he just kind of wasted.
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Old June 12, 2018, 15:33   #62
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Originally Posted by sniperdoc View Post
The ones I knew would spend all their money at the strip clubs, then go back to the barracks broke and horny.

I miss them too.
Yep, they will always be 18 or 19 yrs old.
G-D bless them one and all.
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Old June 13, 2018, 16:22   #63
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The real reason for no snakes in Ireland-We told the Scotts ,snakes they were good to eat!

Why the Irish invented haggis-ran out of snakes.

Then there was the time we played a joke on the Scotts. Took a sheeps bladder and stuck a bunch of reeds in it. New form of music!

This pissed the English so much, we kept it for ourselves.
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Old June 13, 2018, 18:20   #64
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Love you Brother, I needed a laugh.




UOTE=Stoney;4591439]Totally Unacceptable Humour


I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg."

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think I should change dentists?

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening".

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.

At the Senior Citizens Centre they had a Quiz the other day. I lost by one point: The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently the correct answer was Africa!!!

One of the other questions that I missed was to name one thing commonly found in cells. It appears that Mexicans is not the correct answer either.

There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some of the new bomber jackets.

You can say lots of bad things about paedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the reception desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular people-porn, you sick bastard."

A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a moustache."

The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we would love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.[/QUOTE]
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Old June 13, 2018, 18:26   #65
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Amen



Quote:
Originally Posted by Texgunner View Post
An oldie but maybe new to some folks. The funny tale of Nookie Green:

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church. "Father", he confessed,"it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month." The priest told the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's."

Soon thereafter, another Irishman entered the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months" This time, the priest questioned, "Who is this Nookie Green? "A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replied. "Very well," sighed the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but enough. The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, "Is that Nookie Green?" The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, "No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes"
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Old June 13, 2018, 22:48   #66
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The real reason for no snakes in Ireland-We told the Scotts ,snakes they were good to eat!

Why the Irish invented haggis-ran out of snakes.

Then there was the time we played a joke on the Scotts. Took a sheeps bladder and stuck a bunch of reeds in it. New form of music!

This pissed the English so much, we kept it for ourselves.
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Old June 14, 2018, 11:50   #67
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Somewhere at home I have a joke book that was written in the ‘60’s. Title is 1001 Offensive Jokes. There is a Polack chapter, an Irish chapter, Jewish chapter and others. You can probably guess what the Hey Leroy chapter is about...
Larry
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Old June 14, 2018, 12:55   #68
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and some were i have a couple of Uf Daa joke books
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“You can take a man out of the Corps, but you can’t take the Corps out of the man.”
The Gunny RIP

GOOD MORNING, WELCOME TO THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
Press "1" for English.
Press "2" to disconnect until you have learned to speak English.

Has freedom been replaced with Free-Dumb.

Illegitimi non carborundum

A 1911A1 is like a Glock, except it's for grownups.

AMERICA! Designed by geniuses. Now run by idiots.

"The Marines I have seen around the world have the cleanest bodies, the filthiest minds, the highest morale, and the lowest morals of any group of animals I have ever seen." Thank God for the United States Marine Corps!"
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Flying is a hard way to earn an easy living.
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Old June 14, 2018, 13:05   #69
sniperdoc
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Quote:
Originally Posted by yellowhand View Post
Yep, they will always be 18 or 19 yrs old.
G-D bless them one and all.
Amen, Brother. I think of them every day.
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Old July 11, 2018, 21:42   #70
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Jenny Craig FOR MEN

I called the company and ordered their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before me a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'

Without a second thought, I took off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, I finally gave up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, I weighed myself and am delighted to find I lost 10 lbs. As promised. I called the company and ordered their 5-day/20 pound
program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman I have ever seen in my life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.

Well, I'm out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and I do my best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens and I'm gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to my delight on the fifth day when I weigh myself, I discover that I have lost another 20 lbs. as promised. So I decide to go for broke and called the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," I reply, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when I open it I find a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you,. You're mine."

I lost 63 pounds that week.

Signed,

Skinny Chuck
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Old July 12, 2018, 14:05   #71
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An elderly couple, both whose previous spouses had passed away, decided to get married after a brief courtship. On the night of their honeymoon, the octogenarian bride decided that it would be appropriate to inform her new husband of her heart condition.

As she disrobed, he said to the groom, "Before we go any further, I thought I should tell you that the doctor said I have acute angina."

"I sure as hell hope so" her husband responded, "because you have the ugliest tits I ever saw!"
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