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View Full Version : OT ,, 2001 Darwin award runnerups


Hermit River
April 29, 2002, 15:46
If none of you has ever been here before check out http://www.darwinawards.com Enjoy, here are some prime 2001 candidates. The last one with the JATO pac is the best. Hermit

~Darwin Awards For 2001~
It's an annual honor given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.
-- And the nominees are:

9. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.

8. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home
died of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6'2" tall
and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra,
black and white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was
trying to create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military
gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached
in its place. The other end of the hose was connected to one end of a
hollow wooden tube approx. 12" long and 3" in diameter. The tube's
other end was inserted into his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the
cause of his suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family very awkward.

7. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft
and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.

6. A police officer in Ohio responded to a 911 call. She had no
details before arriving, except that someone had reported that his father was
not breathing. Upon arrival, the officer found the man face down on
the couch naked. When she rolled him over to check for a pulse and to
start CPR, she noticed burn marks around his genitals. After the
ambulance arrived and removed the man - who was declared dead on arrival at
the hospital - the police made a closer inspection of the couch, and
noticed that the man had made a hole between the cushions. Upon flipping
the couch over, they discovered what had caused his death. Apparently,
the man had a habit of putting his penis between the cushions, down into
the hole and between two electrical sanders (with the sandpaper
removed, for obvious reasons). According to the story, after his orgasm the
discharge shorted out one of the sanders, electrocuting him.

5. A 27-year-old French woman lost control of her car on a highway
near Marseilles and crashed into a tree, seriously injuring her passenger
and killing herself. As a commonplace road accident, this would not have
qualified for a Darwin nomination, were it not for the fact that the
driver's attention had been distracted by her Tamagotchi key ring,
which had started urgently beeping for food as she drove along. In an
attempt to press the correct buttons to save the Tamagotchi's life, the woman
lost her own.

4. A 22-year-old Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of
these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said
investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma."

3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was
hospitalized.

2. Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of
causing the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by his peers.

And the winner ... The Arizona Highway Patrolman came upon a pile of smoldering
metal embedded into the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex
of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it
was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. The lab
finally figured out what it was and what had happened. It seems that a guy
had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off actually
a solid fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport
planes an extra "push" for taking off from short airfields. He had driven
his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long and straight
stretch of road. Then he attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, got up
some speed and fired off the JATO! The facts as best as could be
determined are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO
ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash
site.
This was established by the prominent scorched and melted asphalt
at that location. The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached
maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds
well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional
20-25 seconds. The driver, and soon to be pilot, most likely would
have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog fighting F-14 jocks
under full afterburners, causing him to become insignificant for the
remainder of the event. However, the automobile remained on the straight
highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and
completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick
rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional
1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet leaving a
blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock. Most of the driver's
remains were not recoverable; however, small fragments of bone, teeth and
hair were extracted from the crater and fingernail and bone shards were
removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the
steering wheel. Epilogue: It has been postulated that this moron nearly
reached Mach I, attaining a ground speed of approximately 420 mph.